The idea of vulnerability has recently been brought to my attention, specifically my vulnerability. You see, I think I have a tendency to come across as very strong and powerful and secure.... aloof even. And sure, sometimes I am all of those things, but I, like everybody else have the same mushy, questioning, vulnerable inside parts. I suppose I learned along the way to not lead with those, but I don't think I realized just how deeply I had buried access to that place. Perhaps that is what this blog is... a tiny little entry to that mushy place inside, that vulnerability piece that makes us all human and connected. Because to be honest I am feeling more than a little vulnerable these days, and instead of hiding it or pretending I'm not, I am now choosing to share it and hopefully create from it. I believe that energy either creates or it destroys and if you have the choice then......
I am moving to LA in Jan. I am. I really am. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it is really happening. See, I have been talking about moving for years, planning on moving for years, but here it is, the move, just weeks away and I am terrified. I feel like I am giving up everything that I have created in my 20's, all my friends, my apt, my career on Broadway, my relationship...... all for the unknown. I don't know what my life will be like out there, I don't know what I will create, I don't know what level of 'success' I will achieve and it is scary. What if it is the 'wrong' choice? What if I am doing it because other people have pushed me to do it? What if I am doing it to please the ever confusing ego? I know in my mind all those quotes that you put on your fridge to help you through the day, that with great risk comes great reward, and genius has boldness in it, and nothing risked is nothing gained, and if you want the same results then keep doing the same thing. Sometimes they bring me comfort. Sometimes I am just scared. I suppose if I didn't really want it then I wouldn't be so scared, so maybe the fear is an indicator that I am moving in the right direction for me. I hope so. When making decisions on which direction to move forward you obviously have to take a look in the other direction and see which paths you have chosen in the past that have brought you to where you are. I see then that there is no way I could have veered off my destiny, that every choice was bringing me to here and for that I must and do bless it, but what if I had made some other choices, where would I be now? What would I change if I could? Would I be married? Would I have kids? Would I be a big ole movie star by now? There is no way of knowing, all we have is now and now is pretty great.
I will close with a quote, a quote from me when I was 18 yrs old. It is my answer to my 'presence and composure' interview question from the Florida Junior Miss Scholarship program (yeah I won) (yes you can laugh amongst yourselves) I came upon this last night in the depths of my journals. Interestingly this same theme is coming up in the psychology book I am reading now.
So the theme for the program was rainbows (keep laughing)
"It is when we play it safe that we create a world of utmost insecurity. Within my pot of gold is a life filled with instability, change and invariable the rejection that a career in acting will bring. However, a person must be willing to withstand the hardships that are the storms of life in order to fully enjoy the moments of happiness that are sunshine. Sunshine and rain make a rainbow, just as hardships and happiness create a multi-faceted and colorful life. We must choose to pursue the things that make us truly happy for if we are not willing to take risks and grow then we will never know the true height of our potential."
Not bad for an 18 yr old girl from Tally. Maybe I should listen to her more often.
