Stella's Spiral

2011-03-12T08:58:00.000-08:00

My mom made me cry last night. I was on my way to screen a film I shot here in LA a few weeks ago and feeling generally pretty good. I decided to call my mom. She asked me how the week was going. I shared a few tales from my week of auditions and being a reader and working in a Vod Box of a Beverly Hills martini lounge. (it is a 28 degree tasting freezer for Vodka, where I take people in give them coats and put on a 15 min show while dampening their consciousness, which is decidedly opposed to the work I do with the rest of my life but that is a blog for a different day) I told her about a job that I booked. It is technically the first "official" paying job that will be in TV since I moved here 14 months ago. For any "reasonable" person, 14 months of unemployment looks and feels like abject failure. And sometimes it does for me too, specifically on those few days before I am reminded by nature of my failure to procreate that month. The job BTW is a small role on a new Comedy Central show, "Jon Benjamin Has a Van." My management was really upset that I even auditioned, felt that the role was beneath me. But here I am so excited about booking anything at all that will actually be on TV. Am I settling? Is this me planting seeds or not trusting that bigger and better jobs are on the way? This "measly" gig certainly pays more than my hostessing gig, and feels better than waiting on your old friends from high school who are now making enough money to be patrons at the restaurant where you are working for little more than minimum wage.

And then my mom shared something with me. something that I'm pretty sure will be one of those small sturdy milestones you have in your life where everything quietly changes.

She used me as an example. She used me as a teaching tool for the loan officers in her bank. See, my mom is real fancy. She is the VP of a bank and she is in charge of everyone there. It is the loan officers job to go out and drum up business. They are feeling decidedly frustrated as any "reasonable" person would see that this is a tricky time for the economy especially for real estate in Florida. Morale was low and my mom had had it with the "complaining." So she gave them a talking to. She said very simply, "if you think bad things then bad things will happen to you, if you think about good things then good things will happen to you" Thousands of books on quantum physics, religion, self help psychology reduced to one simple sentence. Yes Momma!

My mom shared with them that ever since I was in third grade I have been competing for roles and more often than not... not getting them. Well third grade was over twenty years ago, and here I am still auditioning for and usually not getting the roles I audition for. If I were to take each one as a failure, I would surely have quit by now. And that would be the real failure. Choosing the positive isn't always easy. It takes discipline and reminders and help, but it pays off, just like going to the gym pays off. I have been consciously choosing what thoughts I will entertain more and more these days. And it seems to be making a big difference. but that is not the point of this particular entry.

The point of this entry is how very much it meant to me that my mom.... the person I have looked up to and respected most in my life actually used me as a teaching tool for her employees. To have anyone use you as an positive example feels great. When it is your mom and you are an unemployed actor secretly looking for approval from everyone, it feels amazing. The point is that our outlook on life matters. The thoughts we think impact every decision we make and how others react to us, and therefore our reality. During the meeting one of her employees pulled up my Facebook page and quoted it to everyone in the meeting. I had no idea any of this was happening, but in this day and age of instant information transfer the thoughts we think can impact the consciousness of even more people even more quickly. There is power in that and we can use it to complain about traffic and the weather or we can use it to share the things that make us human and spread some joy and encouragement.

I share this not to 'brag' but because it meant so very much to me and I do see it as a huge accomplishment that even through one of the most challenging phases of my life to date I was able to be an example of positive thinking to a small group of loan officers in Tallahassee Fl.

'We have a serious responsibility not to be serious" - Maharishi

I have had some serious help and industrial strength tools. One of which is meditation. Releasing stress from the body naturally allows you to expand your consciousness and therefore not sweat the proverbial small stuff. I am now training to become a teacher of Vedic Meditation. I love sharing this tool with people because I know first hand what a difference it makes in your outlook on life. I even got my Momma to learn ;-)

Thanks Mom for being the one who taught me how to choose the positive and for supporting me in every way possible through this "unstable" and oh so rewarding career path that has chosen me.

Vulnerable rainbows

2009-11-29T03:57:00.000-08:00

So I am home in Tallahassee for Thanksgiving and I stumbled across all my old journals from high school and college. What a lesson in self psychology that can turn into...... I have spent hours falling down that rabbit hole, but it inspired me to revisit my old blog that only got three measly entries from me over a year ago. I am not sure exactly what the difference is between a blog and a journal, except the obvious that you are opening up your thoughts for the whole world to see. And more than a few people have encouraged me to write a book or to document my adventures in some way. This seems like a good place to start. Although to be honest my life doesn't seem that adventurous, when 'crazy' things happen they feel normal in the moment, it isn't until the retelling of them that I even fully grasp their grandeur sometimes. I am sure I will go back in time to share some of my adventures past but for now I want to stay in the present. That is the goal right?

The idea of vulnerability has recently been brought to my attention, specifically my vulnerability. You see, I think I have a tendency to come across as very strong and powerful and secure.... aloof even. And sure, sometimes I am all of those things, but I, like everybody else have the same mushy, questioning, vulnerable inside parts. I suppose I learned along the way to not lead with those, but I don't think I realized just how deeply I had buried access to that place. Perhaps that is what this blog is... a tiny little entry to that mushy place inside, that vulnerability piece that makes us all human and connected. Because to be honest I am feeling more than a little vulnerable these days, and instead of hiding it or pretending I'm not, I am now choosing to share it and hopefully create from it. I believe that energy either creates or it destroys and if you have the choice then......

I am moving to LA in Jan. I am. I really am. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it is really happening. See, I have been talking about moving for years, planning on moving for years, but here it is, the move, just weeks away and I am terrified. I feel like I am giving up everything that I have created in my 20's, all my friends, my apt, my career on Broadway, my relationship...... all for the unknown. I don't know what my life will be like out there, I don't know what I will create, I don't know what level of 'success' I will achieve and it is scary. What if it is the 'wrong' choice? What if I am doing it because other people have pushed me to do it? What if I am doing it to please the ever confusing ego? I know in my mind all those quotes that you put on your fridge to help you through the day, that with great risk comes great reward, and genius has boldness in it, and nothing risked is nothing gained, and if you want the same results then keep doing the same thing. Sometimes they bring me comfort. Sometimes I am just scared. I suppose if I didn't really want it then I wouldn't be so scared, so maybe the fear is an indicator that I am moving in the right direction for me. I hope so. When making decisions on which direction to move forward you obviously have to take a look in the other direction and see which paths you have chosen in the past that have brought you to where you are. I see then that there is no way I could have veered off my destiny, that every choice was bringing me to here and for that I must and do bless it, but what if I had made some other choices, where would I be now? What would I change if I could? Would I be married? Would I have kids? Would I be a big ole movie star by now? There is no way of knowing, all we have is now and now is pretty great.

I will close with a quote, a quote from me when I was 18 yrs old. It is my answer to my 'presence and composure' interview question from the Florida Junior Miss Scholarship program (yeah I won) (yes you can laugh amongst yourselves) I came upon this last night in the depths of my journals. Interestingly this same theme is coming up in the psychology book I am reading now.

So the theme for the program was rainbows (keep laughing)

"It is when we play it safe that we create a world of utmost insecurity. Within my pot of gold is a life filled with instability, change and invariable the rejection that a career in acting will bring. However, a person must be willing to withstand the hardships that are the storms of life in order to fully enjoy the moments of happiness that are sunshine. Sunshine and rain make a rainbow, just as hardships and happiness create a multi-faceted and colorful life. We must choose to pursue the things that make us truly happy for if we are not willing to take risks and grow then we will never know the true height of our potential."

Not bad for an 18 yr old girl from Tally. Maybe I should listen to her more often.

The Best Road Trip...Ever (part 2)

2008-07-12T23:55:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the longest cliffhanger ever, I'm sure you guessed by now, we were in fact being pulled over by the Colorado police. As the police officer came to the window Colt called his mother who is a cop in Georgia. She didn't answer. The police officer asks the obligatory question, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" We actually didn't. ( I was asleep after all) The police officer then said, "Well it's 4 in the morning, your were driving erratically and your wearing a bathrobe, which I guess I can't hold against you ......but I probably should" About this time Colt's phone rang and he answered while the cop was standing at the window. Just in case you were wondering, cops don't really love being interrupted by you answering a phone. He then asked us for our licence and registration, which we didn't have. Nor did we have the bill of sale or insurance papers, so for all practical purposes this 67 mustang with all of our earthly possessions may as well have been stolen. The cop goes back to his car to run a check on the car, Colt accidentally hit the steering wheel sounding the horn. He then waved his hands out the window to apologize. (just in case you were wondering, cops don't really love you honking the horn and waving your arms out the window)

Colt asked his mom, who had been on speaker phone the whole time, to look up the Allstate insurance number so we could somehow prove to the cop that we were not in fact driving a stolen car. She did and we gave it to the officer, he called and the insurance agent promptly told him that there was no mustang on the policy. At this point we are pretty sure the car is going to be impounded and we are going to jail.

I'm not sure what form of magic showed up in that moment, but for whatever reason the cop decided to let us go. He made us promise to stop at the next town to print out our paperwork. But he definitely let us go. Colt and I were so wired after that we just decided to drive straight through to Vegas without stopping to sleep. So a few childhood memories later, my eyelids started to droop again. I fell asleep. When I woke up we were literally coasting on fumes. Magically, the fumes ran out about 10 feet away from a gas pump. We could just reach the tank with the nozzle. Turns out there aren't very many gas stations in Utah. At this point it is daylight. The sunrise was staggering over the mountains. We decided to stop in this beautiful canyon for a while. We split ways. I meditated and Colt had a journey into the canyon. Our final stop before Vegas was Denny's. I personally don't feel any road trip is complete without 1 completely toxic meal. Denny's delivered. It also threw in a few bonus mullets for good measure.

We rolled up to the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas sweaty, dirty and exhausted. It wasn't the ideal way to greet my billionaire friends that were hosting us for the weekend. Naturally we wanted to drop our bags and shower. At the front desk they asked us to proceed into the VIP lounge to check in. They took very good care of us, except our room wasn't ready yet. They let us shower in the spa and leave our bags in the VIP room. We met my friends in their Cabana at the HUGE pool party. I mean this thing was straight out of MTV spring break, fake boobs and fake tans for days. 106 degrees in the desert and a pool filled with all sorts of disease and a condom or two for good measure. It was nobodies paradise. My friend Angie passed out from heat exhaustion. That was actually really scary. They gave her some water and took her to her room and she was ok. We napped and had some food and were ready for the rest of the adventure.

The best road trip....ever

2008-05-28T00:11:00.000-07:00

The first time I saw the schedule for the "A Chorus Line" tour I knew I wanted to drive across the west. In all my travels I have never really explored any of this most beautiful part of our country. When I saw the tour had 3 days off between its first and second stops, Denver and LA respectively, I started asking around. I couldn't find anyone that was interested in what seemed to be a very lengthy and perhaps "unnecessary" drive. I was in the hall one day when I overheard one of my more favorite cast mates say that he had bought a 67 mustang and was planning on driving from Denver to LA and stopping in Vegas! I was so excited, this is exactly what I wanted to do, but wasn't sure I wanted to do it alone. So I asked the one and only Colt, if he was interested in company... he said yes and so it began. As it turns out 3 of my friends were going to be in Vegas for the exact 3 days we were. I had my friend reserve us a room at the Hard Rock Hotel. ( ps I happen to be the spokesperson for the Hard Rock in Vegas) its another story, but basically I shot a promotional film with the director of 6 degrees and I played the Desperate Housewife)

Day 1:
We closed in Denver in a Sat. Colt and I did 2 shows, loaded that car after and hit the road by 11:30 pm. We were both starving but decided to go ahead and get on the highway before stopping for food. We took it pretty slow because Colt had just bought the car and was still feeling out the engine. This would be a good time to mention that the car did not come with the luxuries of air conditioning or heat. We quickly realized that the few towns that actually had restaurants, and I use that word loosely, were all closed. We were optimistic and kept trying town after town pulling in gas stations and asking if there was anything edible. Finally, we caved to our ever growing hunger and microwaved two personal pizzas in what was the dirtiest microwave... ever. We had some fruit and a turkey sandwich for an appetizer and Colt had a hard, day old donut for dessert. I should mention that sometime before we lowered our gastric standards it got very cold in the car. We were in fact driving through snowy mountains. So I gave Colt my brand new "A Chorus Line" robe. It was white and fuzzy and an opening night gift from our producer. We were barely 2 hours in and already we looked like a scene from "Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas" I was taking pictures of the hardened nacho cheese sculpture and the local stoner teenagers, and Colt was wearing flip-flops with socks, a bathing suit, bathrobe and a straw cowboy hat. Our hunger satiated, we hit the road again.... almost. We went to start the car...nothing. The engine would not turn over. She was also cold, our nameless baby blue '67 mustang. About 5 minutes and many prayers later, she started. We set back out on the road, the mountains were getting taller and the air was getting colder. I started to get upset that we were doing this amazing portion of the drive and night, but then I realized that the light coming from the almost full moon was creating some of the most beautiful panoramas I had ever seen. If you have never done this drive you must know that every 30 seconds is literally more beautiful and completely different from the last. My eyes grew heavy, but I didn't want to miss any of my lunar terrain. I fought to stay awake, but finally my exhaustion won and I passed out for about 30 min. When I awoke I was very confused. Colt was driving extremely slow and someone was following us. About the time I came to, red and blue flashing lights eclipsed the moon. We were being pulled over. To be continued.....

Dancing in the Kitchen

2008-05-27T23:48:00.000-07:00

I love dancing in the kitchen, I always have. I don't know if it is the texture of the floors, the open space or the fact that I can do tripples with ease in my socks... but I love it. My current home, in West Hollywood has big, square terra cotta tiles and a sliding glass door that doubles as a mirror for the midnight choreographer in me. My creativity needs solitude. I adore being alone, I cherish that time, in fact I think I wither without it. My two amazing roomates are 9-5ers so they are usually asleep when I come home from work and they are usually gone when I wake up, so these 7 weeks in LA might turn out to be quite the creative time. I have to thank the lovely Jessica Latshaw for inspiring me with her blog to create my own. Thank you. Who knows what these stories will turn into. But I am looking forward to sharing with my friends and family who are far far away......

Stella